seriously not you
sometimes I just become so busy with myself
and I wish everyone would stop asking me,
“where have you gone,
why don’t you miss me,
why are you so aloof?”
because I don’t have an answer
I’m just trying to squeeze all these things into my life
and I’m trying and trying and trying
but I am just so terrible at juggling things—
I’m sorry, it’s not your fault but please don’t blame me either
because I’m trying but it’s hard, listening to your mind
and pushing through your body at the same time
I just can’t be the person you knew
I’m trying to be me too
Mindfulness
Sometimes you think, and you think too much. Sometimes you tell yourself to stop, and you bottle too much. Sometimes you label your thoughts, “negative” and “positive” when in reality, all they are should be “thoughts.”
You are not your thoughts.
You are here.
You are in the present—not the past, not the future, not another dimension.
Feel your breath. Focus on it.
Every thought is fleeting. You will have more and you will have less. The things you act out in your mind are intangible.
…
intangible.
Stop trying to grip so hard on your thoughts. You are just creating strain on yourself. That’s all.
You are not your thoughts.
In mindfulness meditation, we are taught to simply acknowledge our thoughts, and then let them go.
If we try to control the mind, then its energy will rebound back on us. If we let the mind go completely, then it will become very wild and chaotic.
Chogyam Trungpa
Thoughts are thoughts—they shouldn’t be rewarded or punished. I want to keep doing this. I want to look back at my thoughts and not feel troubled or proud of them. I want to be neutral, find an equilibrium. This isn’t a new identity I’m crafting. Actually, it couldn’t be more like me. I just want to be.
*will be importing written thoughts from my main blog from time to time
(Source: annanay)
Am I evil at heart? Am I horrible?
I want you to suffer. I still want you to suffer so much.
I want you to miss me. I want you to feel regret a hundred times over and over again. I want you to have my name in your head. I want you to feel sorry for all that you’ve done.
You say I gave up on you.
But, weren’t you the first to do that?
Weren’t you the one who betrayed me?
I wish you would still be suffering because of me.
You know why?
Because that would mean I was important. And that you’re finally learning.
Infinity
I am afraid. I am afraid. I am afraid.
They’re going to get me.
I am afraid.
No, it’s not their fault. It’s me.
They’re going to get me because I’m dangerous. Crazy. Hurtful. Deceiving. Cruel.
I’ll only hurt them. They’re going to grab me by the neck and punish me for what I’ve done, what I’ve seen, where I’ve been, who I am. It’s my fault.
I’m helpless. They’re going to get me.
They’re going to put knives in my food and make me eat it. They’re going to drop me from a building more than eight stories. They’re going to make sure I don’t die as I smash. They’re going to make a fool out of me. They’re going to rip my clothes off. They’re going to put things inside me. They’re going to laugh as they watch me cry in pain. They’re going to do it, they will. They’re going to get me.
I am afraid. I am so afraid.
I am afraid of these things in my head. I am afraid of these stories. I am afraid of these images, these thoughts. I am afraid of the dark circles under my eyes. They are indications. The dark circles are indications of how hollow my soul will be. I’m going to be be empty because they are going to carve my guts out. I will.
I know it. I am afraid.
I’m not good enough for them, so they’re going to do it.
They’re going to get me. They’re going to humiliate me. They scorn at who I am. And I am not good enough.
I am so afraid.
So many of my own voices shouting at once. So many of them scolding me. They’re going to make everyone hate me.
No one wants me here.
I’m useless.
They’re going to get me.
And they’re going to humiliate me for who I am.
I am so afraid.
I am afraid of their knives, the height from which I will drop, the twisted things I will believe, the things that haunt me, the things which will expose my shelter and safety, the things I will fall for and be manipulated into believing, the helplessness I will feel…
but most of all,
I am afraid of myself.
Hands
I rejected someone today before we could know each other. I rejected because I didn’t want to remember him. I didn’t want him to remember me. I didn’t want affections to grow. I don’t like talking to people. I hate attachments. I don’t know why. I just do.
It drives me insane.
Because when I care, I care too much. When I care, I will lose all the energy left inside this fragile mind. I will succumb to the selfish wishes of others. In result, I will lose myself.
So to save myself, I have to close up. I have to be selfish for myself. I have to.
The Engine
Always running running running running. Pit pat, pit pat, pit pat. The mind is on fire. But it is still running running running running. It doesn’t know how to stop. More and more all in one mind, constantly, constantly, constantly, constantly running running running running. When are you going to stop? The fire continues going. Stop stop stop stop. But it doesn’t.
Run
Run
Run
Run
Ran.
Oceans
Two bodies of water collide. Clashing, meshing, and becoming one flesh to construct the perfect tides. You and I are this.
